Monday, March 31, 2008

angel of narcissus




The Angel of Narcissus

I strike a pose,
so high above you all,
so wise and stern,
and all who see me crane and yearn
to view the words I write.
“Is my name on your list?”
you wonder, your uneasiness
creating flurries in the air
around my stony soul.

The stone mason’s chisel
does my fair proportions justice,
but he carefully omits
what flows from my pen:
buy milk, suntan lotion,
start the laundry,
mail the rent check,
put out cat,
pick up Jean at 3.


This statue of an angel, in the cemetery in Framingham, Massachusetts where Christine's mother is buried, is the prompt for the Invitation to Poetry from Abbey of the Arts.

questions and coincidences

Last week a post from Mind Sieve quoted a line of a poem by Oriah Mountaindreamer. The name didn’t ring any bells, and the quote only nudged me slightly to respond. I shrugged it off, but I've been thinking about it ever since. I won't be writing about it tonight though, still thinking, but here's the quote:

"The question is not
'Why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be?'
but 'Why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?'"


Thursday morning we had a video at work of a speaker from last summer’s National Hospice convention, Naomi Tutu. I saw her and enjoyed her presentation last summer in New Mexico, but hadn’t remembered how she began it. She quoted a long poem from, coincidentally, Oriah Mountaindreamer, who Naomi said she thought at first was a native American, not a blond Canadian. Several people commented on the power of the poem, and I was happy I had the name and the link right at hand to give them. Her poem, The Invitation, is printed on her homepage at oriahmountaindreamer.com.

Isn’t it strange how we can hear something new and then immediately have it crop up again somewhere else? Sure, maybe it’s because we are awake to the sound of the name and recognize it again, but not always.

When I went to her site, http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/creative.html, I found a section called Creative Writing Exercises. The page begins with the title What We Ache For, the name of one of her books..

The book I began reading last night, Henri Nouwen’s Life of the Beloved, begins with the story of how he happened to write it. A young man, Fred, was interviewing him and was obviously uninterested in the job. As they talked, Henri asked him what he really wanted to do, which was write a novel. Anything you really want to do, you can, Henri told him, or words to that effect. You clear off from your calendar the things that are in the way, and you get started. Henri even made it possible for the young man to quit his job and come to be an artist in residence so he could write.

Fred never did finish the novel, but other things came from the choice that were invaluable. Henri began to hear of the longing that Fred, a Jew, and other friends of his had, a yearning for meaning and spirituality in their lives. Fred asked him to write a book for them, not for religious people but for secular people. And he did so.

Oriah asks: “How would you complete the phrase: I never feel I should be doing anything else when I am…?”

How would you complete that phrase?

Thursday, March 27, 2008

finding some, if not all, things new



In a recent entry to Mind Sieve (and I'm sorry I don't know how to make that a link right this minute,)Sunrise Sister challenged us to try new things. Her most wonderful example was taking surfboarding lessons at the Royal Academy in Hawaii.

I like the idea, even though I am doing it on a much smaller scale. Today, for instance, I took a new road between housecalls, hunting for an unimpaired view of the new snow on the Blue Mountains. I also tried a new 2 calorie drink called Cascadia, very delicious. And played a new CD that our medical director made of "happy" music. It included The Elephant Walk, Day-O, and Brown Eyed Girl, among many other singable tune. The interesting thing about it was that it was not only happy, it was energizing too.

What new things might add some joy to your day?

What music makes you happy?

P.S. Almost forgot: the very best first thing ever I did today was call and get a repairman to fix my refrigerator without any waiting. He came right over and did it while I was at work. All I did was leave the door unlocked. Wow!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

time, where does it go?

If you had to make a list of what you had done with the past twenty-four hours, would you be happy with it? I know I wouldn't. I can't believe how much time it takes me to get out of the house in the morning, or clean up the kitchen at night. And I really truly don't know how neat people stay neat all the time, and keep their houses neat!

Although I think comparisons are seldom helpful and certainly not comfortable, I'm tempted. Surely I spend more time buying fresh produce and cooking meals from scratch than some people do, but since that's the norm for me, it doesn't feel like it's worth much. I know I don't spend much time chatting with friends, more's the pity; and I log zero hours at the beauty shop getting manicures, and only a haircut every couple of months. I hardly ever watch tv or go to the movies, so where the heck does my time go? Okay, I get a massage maybe once every other month, or less. Can't remember one this year yet.

Of course there's a fast answer, that I spend too much time on the computer, but I'm not going there. I fasted from blogging for most of December, didn't I? What did it get me? Time to get packages mailed, but no Christmas cards sent.

Is there a word like 'klutz' that means clumsy with time? Probably one in Yiddish, and if not, there should be.

Today I took my car to the garage for its ABS (brakes) recall, and then had to cancel my eye appointment. Could have gotten a ride, I found out later, but the appointment time had already been filled. Darn. I was scheduled for a mammogram tomorrow but had a training at work postponed from last week interfere, so had to reschedule for Friday. Don't you ever wonder what's the point of scheduling ahead? Things come up, and you have to change everything. It's darned inconvenient.

The refrigerator wasn't very cold this morning, and Bill said the freezer hadn't been quite closed. Tonight he said he thought maybe it wasn't quite closed, and the refrigerator seems to have maintained on cool but not cold enough. The freezer still is making ice, but Bill says he can't hear the condenser come on, and no cool air is flowing upwards into the frig. Great. Now I'll have to cancel something else to stay home and wait for another appliance repairman! Well, if I can get to the paint store tomorrow, maybe I can at least start painting the living room while I wait for the repairman.

Where does your time go? Can you believe that everyone has 24 hours a day, just like you? Some people sure do a lot more with their hours than I do. But do they enjoy it?

Monday, March 24, 2008

touched by the Holy




Have you ever had experiences that were different, set apart from your ordinary days, that you didn’t know how to describe?

One of the priests, in commenting about the Easter Vigil Saturday night, said that he had been in a very thin place. I’ve said that myself before, and for me this was not the same. It was sacred space, a place of knowing without having to make sense of it, a participation in the Mystery that was a being and a doing, rather than a feeling.

It would be very like me to try to inspect the experience, dissect it and investigate it, but why? To validate it, or replicate it? I don’t think I’ll try; or, to put a more positive slant on it, I choose not to.

Yes, it would be good to go over the week’s many services with the other clergy, as that same priest suggested, to talk about what went well and what might have been better if we’d done something differently.

But I don’t want to be writing down a recipe: 3 parts prayer, 1 part preaching, 4 parts music, mix well together and heat till the Holy Spirit takes notice and the batter begins to rise.

The thing is, you can’t make Resurrection happen. The dry bones, as much as they might like to, don’t just get up and dance. The earnest hearts that fast and pray and do all the right Lenten things sometimes find that, as much as they regret it, nothing new happens. They have gone through the same motions, the same devotions that have worked before to draw them closer to their Lord, and yet...and yet….

And yet, sometimes something new does happen, something unaccountable and uncontrollable, sometimes even to the person who just stumbled into Lent at the eleventh hour.

In the sermon today, the preacher told an anecdote about an incident at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine in New York City. The bishop was to begin the service by knocking on the closed doors with his crozier, Inside, the church would be in darkness following the Great Vigil, and when the doors were opened, the bishop would shout out:, “Alleluia. Christ is risen.” The congregation was to respond in kind, “The Lord is risen indeed. Alleluia.”

Unfortunately, the bishop had turned on his microphone too early, and what came before those traditional words was unexpected. The congregation of 600 worshippers heard mumbling and grumbling, followed by, “This is damn awkward, damn awkward!”

The preacher went on to say how very fitting and theological she thought those words were. Resurrecting hearts and minds from the dead doesn’t fit the regular pattern of life. Christ shook up his world in his own time, by his life, death and rising. Christ still shakes up the world, in this very day and time. We cannot will it to happen. The Spirit blows where it will. That too, is damn awkward.

P.S. One thing about these Easter services that made them different from any I've ever been to before is that people were asked to bring bells. If they didn't have any, ushers passed out bells at the door, and we rang them all during the hymns. Imagine how "Christ the Lord is Risen Today" sounds with two hundred bells ringing! Wow!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Maundy Thursday



The Maundy Thursday service is one of the most impressive in the church’s liturgical book. We began in the parish hall with an explanation of Passover and the Sedar dinner, while we are already seated at tables for our own meal. Following that, we processed into the church singing a short, melodic but eternally repetitious song (which works fine for a time when people have to remember the words.) It was unaccompanied, lent itself to simple harmony, and had a solemn, prayerful sound.

After the reading of the lessons came the foot washing. Of the 50 or so people present, probably twenty came forward to have their feet washed by one of the priests. The water in the basins was pleasantly warm, and was changed frequently.

It is evidently difficult for people to allow themselves to participate. With no apparent self-awareness, they mimic Peter in the gospel lesson, who said to Jesus, “You will never wash my feet.” Once you have overcome whatever barrier holds you back, it isn’t difficult to accept the loving ministrations from someone you respect. The foot washing is a symbol of servanthood, and Jesus made two points very clear. We cannot have a relationship with him if we are not willing to accept what he offers, and we are to offer the same service to others.

My petty little whine is that I have bad circulation in my legs due to an old blood clot that would not resolve. Consequently I wear prescription compression stockings, waist to toe, and cannot take them off to have my feet washed. Out of kindness some years ago, the priest decided it would be too difficult for me to help do the washing either, so I sit it out. Try as I may to be grateful for not spending that extra time on my knees on the hard floor, I almost feel like crying. I am frequently an onlooker at life by inclination, but I hate to not be able to participate in something so rich and meaningful.

I offered a suggestion, which this year was finally accepted, that I could stand at the door of the parish hall with a large bowl of sudsy water and wash people’s hands as they came in to dinner. This was a custom from my former parish that was always well received , and it was last night too, although with a little uncertainty at first. People who chose not to have their feet washed later at least got a taste of some servant ministry.

(Actually I have a second part of my whine, and that was about the bulletin. I evidently got a draft rather than the real thing, and although mine looked just like everybody else’s on the outside, it was missing some liturgical responses before the foot washing. I couldn’t figure out what everybody else was reading, and they couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t reading too. Fortunately it wasn't a part I was supposed to lead! You can imagine, though, that this mistake set me up for feeling left out in the rite to follow.)

Anyway, the service went off without any real hitches. The altar guild and clergy stripped the sanctuary of all the hangings, vessels, books, and even emptied the tabernacle of the reserve sacrament. This was done with the lights low, following the eucharist, and ended with the tabernacle door open wide to show its emptiness, and the lights turned out. It is invariably moving.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Give yourself a laugh



I've been having fun making lolcats ever since I saw one in somebody's blog. Give yourself a good break from seriousness and try it out sometime!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

night and day, and the Passion



Our search committee at church has found three likely candidates to be our new rector. The first came to visit this weekend. Several groups, some were particular people invited for lunch and there were some open-to-anyone receptions held to meet him and his wife. The clergy met him last night over dinner.

It was 10 p.m. when we got up from the dinner table, and I still felt as if I hadn't even met the man inside that face. He had few, if any, questions for us, and, as my husband put it, appeared to wish he were somewhere else. Although we gave him lots of information (or, maybe because we gave him lots of information) about the city, the church, the diocese, and the people, he had no questions. I felt as if we'd invited an interesting couple to dinner, but they didn't show up.

Today was Palm Sunday, with all its pagentry. Our assistant rector carried on the show in grand form, complete with the changing of the Lenten purple vestments and hangings to the Passion week red, a change made after we processed all around the neighborhood with the choir, brass players and congregation singing, "All Glory Laud and Honor, to Thee Redeemer King."

In place of the gospel lesson, we had a reading of the passion, this year from the gospel of Matthew, done in parts, that is, with different people playing different roles. I was the narrator, and, at the early service, did some of the parts too.

It is a powerful thing to do, especially when the whole congregation yells, "Crucify him! Crucify him!"

The sermon centered around Peter's denial of Christ, three times before the cock crowed, as Jesus had predicted. Peter continued to say," I do not know the man!" The preacher said that Peter spoke truly, that he did not know Jesus, really, and we frequently don't either. It was a well written, well spoken homily; in fact, the whole liturgy was excellent. If we'd been trying to impress the candidate, we surely should have done so.

Fortunately, that wasn't our goal. It was to worship, and to involve everyone in the drama that the passion of Christ is, and to see ourselves in the ongoing drama of our lives in Christ.

In case I don't get back here till Easter, have a blessed Holy Week.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Heroine

Today, on our way out to see a patient who lives 18 miles from town, the social worker and I were discussing the difficult tasks one family member has taken on in order to insure a good end of life for her mother.

The daughter in question, whom I’ll call Arly, is here from Connecticut to visit her dying mother. She has made the trip several times a year, and has been paying on a funeral plan for a long, long time. Her mother, I should mention, is not a wealthy woman who will be leaving an estate, not even a small one.

The dedicated care, in itself, is not rare, but it is also not commonplace. The thing that makes this particular mission unusual is the relationship between these two women. Arly was sexually abused by her father from the time she was an infant. When she caught him doing the same thing to a much younger sister, she turned him in to the police, and he was sent to prison. She had to be removed from the home because her mother was so angry with her and treated her so badly for reporting him.

Arly’s mother has never said she was sorry that it happened, or even indicated that she might be. Forty years after the fact, Arly is here to tell her mother she forgives her for not trying to stop the abuse. She wants her mother to be able to die in peace. She knows her mother will probably not reciprocate, but she wants to give her the opportunity. Even if mom doesn’t say a word, Arly will know she did what she could.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

a little seasonal humor



I followed the truck in yesterday's entry at a safe distance, not wanting to risk dodging logs. I think I'd just as soon be a ways behind anyone with a car full of snakes as well!

We had a four hour training on HIV, with more than we really wanted to know, and my drippy nose and I haven't been able to get far from the Kleenex box today. So I was ready for this cartoon when my husband sent it to me.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

are you on overload?





When you look at your datebook for the week, do you feel like this?

This truck was seriously overloaded. The picture isn't as sharp as it might have been, had I fit a car wash into my schedule. I snapped it through the front window as I sat at a stop sign.

Seriously, it doesn't take much to overload me. I feel overwhelmed by too much structure, too many notations of places to be at certain times, while I try to fit my patient visits into their schedules, and the schedules of nurses and CNA's.

Today was a wonderful exception. I slalomed through the scheduled visits posted on my computer at work, making it to my first patient in Dayton shortly before the CNA arrived to give her a bath. Made it to my second patient just as her CNA left, and reached my third front door fifteen miles farther up the road, at the end of her CNA's shift.

Great visits, a beautiful day for driving, all in all a big Woohoo!

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Part Two about Cork's Place

I’ll continue to describe the rooms of Cork’s Place, a grief center for children. For the first part of the article, see below.

The next room is geared to an older level, with foosball and air hockey, shelves of games and books, the piano and other instruments. Teens sometimes sit and talk on the couch or floor pillows, with or without the diversion of activities.

The third room we toured has a wall filled with craft materials of all kinds for all age levels. There’s a rectangular table built like a sandbox but filled with rice instead. Many little toys and figures, including tiny caskets, are there for the children to play with.

The next room was the paint room. Only three children are allowed in there at a time, and there are many smocks and shirts hanging on pegs on one wall. There’s a table of big jars of washable paint, and a canvas drop cloth to protect the floors. The walls are fair game, and they are covered with handprints, splashes, hearts, stick figures, anything the child wants to do.

The “volcano room” was the final spot we visited inside the house. It too can only take three children at a time, plus an adult, and its floor is covered with a thick foam mat. Shoes stay outside the door. A huge mound of large pillows takes up one end of the room, and above them is a “heavy” bag, a long punching bag that is suspended, hanging securely from the ceiling. Little children like to try to climb up on it, we were told, or bury themselves in the pillows. Older ones put on boxing gloves and whap away at it.

Outside the house, in a fenced back yard, there are more activities. A wonderful playhouse has been decorated with a fireplace and rugs and chairs, all painted on. A replica of an old panel truck like the one Cork’s Pharmacy used to deliver medicines 70 years ago is a favorite of the kids. The adults almost always have to ride in the back, the social worker said. Cement has been poured for a basketball hoop, and there’s a great sand area with a large scoop shovel.

All the painting and the toys and equipment used to furnish this house were donations. It is a community project, and one to be proud of. Our own town will be looking for ways we can offer something similar in the near future, maybe in collaboration with the children’s museum and hospice.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Yea! A field trip!

Yesterday we went on a field trip, two social workers, the other chaplain and me. We visited Tri-Cities Chaplaincy, which has a hospice program with an outpatient count of about 90, plus a 10-person in-patient house. They are a large agency with many programs, and we wanted particularly to hear about their grief groups.

The part of the tour that was entirely new to me (having been on the chaplaincy board and in several of their programs in a previous life—twenty years ago) was Cork’s Place. It is modeled on a house in Portland called the Dougy Center, a place that works with grieving children.

Cork’s Place is an average 1980 vintage rancher with a daylight basement. Adults who bring children to the grief group, which runs all during the school year, have a group of their own upstairs. Since the loss is often a parent, sometimes a grandparent or sibling, the person who brings the child usually has their own grief to cope with, in addition to that of the child’s.

The Dougy Center began in 1982 as a tribute to Dougy Turno, a 13 year old boy who died of an inoperable brain tumor. Its founder, Beverly Chappell, was a registered nurse who worked in the area of death and dying. She saw that most people were uncomfortable with the subject, and that hospitals, churches, and schools had very little to offer children in their grief. She began to educate herself on grieving by attending seminars and lectures given by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who wrote much about the until-then neglected subject.

Dougy wrote a letter to Dr. Kubler-Ross, asking why no one would talk to him about dying, even though he was facing his own death. Dr. Kubler-Ross corresponded with Dougy, and encouraged Beverly Chappell to meet him and his family when they came to the university hospital for treatment. Watching him, Beverly saw how compassionate he was with other children in the unit, and how they helped each other. She grew to have faith in children’s ability to process their own grief in the way they need to, as long as they have the freedom and safety to do so.

Children in the grief program at Cork’s Place begin each session by meeting in a downstairs room that is rimmed with stacks of pillows. On one side a huge stuffed gorilla sits, inviting a child to sit in its lap and wrap its arms around him. The group begins by going in a circle, each child stating their name, age, the name and relationship of the person they lost, and how they died. Then they go over the rules, of which there are just a few. After that, the children go to whatever room they want, or outside, to play and maybe talk.

The children range in age from three (I think that’s right) to eighteen, and they are divided into four age groups which meet on different nights. Well trained volunteers plus two staff people are there for the children at a one-to-two ratio of adults to the younger kids, a lower ratio for the older groups. The adults are specifically trained not to teach. That isn’t what they’re there for. They aren’t allowed to direct or guide, to criticize, or even to praise or affirm the children. The point is that the children don’t need anyone’s approval, and they don’t learn how to do what they need when they’re trying to please adults. The adults become more of a resource than anything, someone to listen, to help if asked, to play with if invited.

The social worker in charge of the program gave this example: if the child wants to bang on the piano, the adult might bang on it too, or might simply reflect, “You’re playing the piano.”

One room has all kinds of playthings, doll houses, dress-up clothes, toy kitchens, and, startlingly, a casket that the funeral home would use for a real infant. I asked about that, and the social worker told me that the youngest children like to climb into it and lie down. One ordered her and another adult to pick it up and carry it, and they had a mock funeral procession. Other children will put dolls or stuffed animals in it, and, of course, they often talk while they’re doing this.

Mourning, as Dr. Alan Wolfelt refers to it, is the work you do relating to your grief, the talking or writing about it, the visiting of places and memories, the paintings and sculpture, maybe even mud pies, that help you express what you’ve lost and what you’re feeling about it.

This is becoming too long, so I'll finish it tomorrow night. I hope it's interesting to you. It certainly was to me.

The Winding Mind